I haven’t written anything in a while and it’s really starting to bother me. I love writing because it helpe me get my thoughts out and see things a little more clearly, which I then share with people in the hopes that they can see things a little more clearly too. Well right now, and for the past several months, everything I see is foggy. It’s clouded by the one thought I cannot get out of my head no matter how hard I try; I hate my job. I know I hate my job, my friends and family know I hate my job, even random people on the street know I hate my job as I occasionally mumble it to myself like a deranged homeless person. What’s really starting to get to me is not the fact that I spend nine hours a day staring at a clock until I can leave, not the fact that the work I do benefits my career or skills in no way whatsoever, and not even that the fact that a dysfunctional couple going through a divorce has better communication skills than my department. What gets to me, what is starting to eat away at me, is the fact that I’m starting to feel like I’m losing my ‘spark’. By that, I mean my creativity. Creativity is like a muscle and if you don’t use it, you eventually start to lose it.
I was talking with my boss last week and I learned that she went to school for piano, which sent chills down my spine. Let me explain why – we work at the LEAST creative, innovative, or exciting company I have ever heard of. How the hell did a music major end up as my boss? I also found out I work with a former illustrator and graphic designer. I work at the company where creativity goes to die and here I am sitting with former creatives who gave up. My boss told me she hasn’t played the piano in over 10 years and the last time she tried she couldn’t remember any chords or how even to play. No…just no.
Sometimes life gets in the way and derails us from our dreams, but that doesn’t mean they have to disappear. I stay at my job because being unemployed is certainly worse than this, but I’m not going to stop trying to finds something that allows me use, explore, and grow my creativity. I’ve felt my writing starting to slip which was the warning sign to me that it’s time to get proactive.
Nothing is worth losing the skills and passions that make you happy and are part of who you are. I’ve been applying to other jobs since my first day here and I recently had a rather frustrating setback. I went through almost four rounds of interviews at a company I dreamed about working for. After my final interview with the newly hired director, I was contacted three days later with the news that I did not get the job because the ‘team’ (it was totally her) decided to change the qualifications for the role and I was no longer qualified. That sucked. It was the first time I really wanted a job and it started to make me doubt myself, my abilities, and my chances at escaping my workplace hell. But that only lasted a few days because I want this too bad. I will not get stuck here like my co-workers. I will not wake up in 10 years and realize I lost my ability to write. I have realistic goals, they’re just going to take longer than I thought.
I’m trying to start doing more things to help revive my creativity like drawing, playing my keyboard, and of course writing. Even when I find a job that’s a better fit for me, I will continue to exercise my other creative skills, like art and music, because they’re part of who I am. Being creative is a skill I have always valued and cherished and I’m not about to let some stupid job take it away.