A Bro Chick PSA – Ladies, Be Nice

The nickname “the bro chick” comes from a dear friend of mine.  He gave me the name because of three defining factors:

  • I love whiskey
  • I love football
  • I don’t understand (most) women

“Bro chick” also reflects the fact that I am not a “girly-girl”.  Not that there’s anything wrong with being a girly-girl, it’s just not me.  My friends having lovingly teased me for not knowing how to use a curling iron, for cutting my own hair with kitchen scissors (don’t worry, I washed them before and after), for only owning purses that come from Target, and for always choosing a playoff game over “The Bachelor” (or some other reality dating show).  However, I do wear makeup (sometimes) and I like to wear dresses (mainly because I find shorts horribly uncomfortable and wearing pants is the worst).

While I agree these things separate me and other bro chicks from the girly-girls, they are not what makes one a bro chick; it’s that third bullet point that separates us.

You know what sounds like a nightmare?  A bachelorette party, a bridal shower, or a baby shower.  Why?  Because it’s a group of women talking about things I could give less of a shit about.  I don’t care that your baby learned to walk at nine months (unless you’re related to me – then please send videos).  I don’t care that your fiance got you a ring without inclusions or whatever makes a diamond expensive.  And I’m actually not impressed that you got that dress at Marshalls, I just feign interest to avoid you telling every other woman to ignore me.  Because that’s a thing – it has happened to me before and to this day I don’t know why someone would do that.  It was a dick move.

For whatever reason, most women seem to hate other women.  Perhaps it’s jealousy or insecurity or whatever, but whatever it is it sucks.  I have worked with 99% women and 99% men and guess what?  Working with 99% men was LEAPS AND BOUNDS better than working with that many women.  No one talked my ear off about their expensive handbag or how many calories they had consumed that morning while I was trying to work.  Most importantly – no one threw each other under the bus.

Ladies, this is my main issue and why I actively avoid women I don’t know in social situations – you are mean.  You are mean for no legitimate reason and it sucks.  Just because I’m friends with your boyfriend does not mean that I want to sleep with him.  Just because I wore Uggs out in public does not mean I’m some sort of leper that should be pointed at and given dirty looks.  And just because I have a job that sounds really technical does not mean you should feel threatened by me or instantly label me a “nerd”.

Why is it so hard for women to be nice to each other?  Men don’t seem to have this problem.  Does society pin us against each other?  Can there be only one supreme woman?  Because if there can, it’s Oprah.  We all lost so it’s time we got over it.

So please don’t give me a nasty look when I talk to your boyfriend about the Giants.  It’s not some vindictive way to seduce him.  I’m making conversation because your death stare does not make me want to ask about your shoes. I have wonderful female friends so I know it’s possible for us to get along.  If we took the energy we spent judging, backstabbing, and criticizing each other, we probably would have had a female president 20 years ago.

Take a lesson from the guys and just f*cking relax and be nice.  Not everything is a competition and your friend’s promotion, baby, husband, or 10lb loss does not make you dumber, less likely to get married/pregnant, or fatter.  
Now let’s have a beer and move on.

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Silver Linings of Rejection

Today I received my second rejection letter from grad school.  Grad school had always been idea in the back of my mind, so I decided to apply to two Creative Writing MFA programs.  Although I knew my chances were slim (the acceptance rate is 1% – only 6 students were admitted), I still had hope that I would be the 1% that got in.  Alas, something I really, truly wanted didn’t happen.  C’est la vie.  The first rejection letter, which I received two weeks ago, really hurt but the second one didn’t.  In fact, it actually made me feel good.  Well, after the initial “f*ck grad school, what a huge waste of time that would have been, creative writing programs are dumb” feeling wore off.  I get to stay at my job and keep working for an amazing company, and I don’t have to try to persuade my boyfriend to move to the middle of nowhere for two years.  That’s not all, I’m also taking away three important things:

It redirected my focus

Before I applied to grad school I was feeling very overwhelmed.  Everything in my life seemed to make me feel frustrated, overwhelmed, and lost.  I felt like I was rudderless and couldn’t focus my energy on one thing I actually wanted.  When the idea of grad school popped into my mind, it allowed me to concentrate on the one thing I really want to do but had lost sight of; write a book.  If I ever felt stressed from work or city life (which was often), I thought about grad school and living in a completely different place.  Even though I’m not going to grad school or moving (at least not any time soon), that ‘mental break’ thinking about grad school gave me was well worth the whole process.

I took the GRE

I’m sure most people look at this as a horrific experience I had to endure with no reward, but I don’t see it that way.  Was the GRE unpleasant?  Hell yeah – I had to sit in a room for four hours and answer questions that in no way, shape, or form tested my knowledge, but rather tested my ability to study for the GRE.  Even though that SUCKED, something pretty great happened from the experience; I learned I can still do math.

That may sound insignificant or stupid, but I legitimately thought I no longer knew how to do math (minus addition and subtraction).  My math scores were exponentially higher than I anticipated as were my writing scores (although I wasn’t too surprised with my high essay score – I mean, come on).  It felt really good to know that my brain has not melted over the past 6 years since I last took a test.

I started writing something important

Although I consider all of my writing important, I started writing something that could become the most significant thing I’ve ever written (fingers crossed); my book.  For years I’ve known I wanted to write a book, but I didn’t know how I wanted to focus all of the millions of thoughts and ideas buzzing around my mind.  Preparing a writing sample for grad school gave me the opportunity to organize, plan, and start the story that I’ve been dying to get out.  So keep a look out for chapters or excerpts that may appear on this blog or one of my other blogs.

The schools were in Wisconsin and Wyoming so it looks like I’ll be staying on the east coast…for now at least.  I actually really wanted to move to Madison, but after keeping a careful eye on their weather this past winter, perhaps it’s for the best that I won’t live somewhere where -25 is a realistic (and common) temperature.
If there’s anything you’ve ever wanted to try or secretly dreamt about doing, I highly suggest you give it a shot.  Even if you don’t get it, the things you do get as a result of the process could lead to something even better.

My Daily Internal Debate

It’s time to get up.

5 more minutes.

If you don’t get up now, you’re not going to have time to get your lunch and your clothes for work ready.

There are clothes in my gym bag, I can just wear those.

Ew that’s gross. No, get a clean sports bra.  And don’t forget to pack a regular bra! You can’t keep buying new ones at Victoria’s Secret.

That was one time!  And it was the semi-annual sale!  Jeeze.

You’re running out of time.  You know how frantic you get when you give yourself five minutes to get out of bed, dressed, packed, and out the door.

I have plenty of time. It’s only 7:05am.

No, it’s 7:15am.

Fuck.

You have to be out the door at 7:30 if you want to make it to the gym on time.

Ugh, I don’t feel like going.

You say that now, but when you stand up you’ll want to go.

Let me check the website and see what the workout is. Ugh, we just did front squats.  I’m going to cancel.

No, go to the gym.  You ate half a bag of jelly beans last night.  We said we weren’t going to do that anymore.

But I’m tiiiiiiiiiired.  And it’s cold outside.  And I don’t have the mental energy to deal with Atlantic Terminal right now.

Get up.  Don’t you want to eat some jelly beans when you get home?

…yeah.

If you don’t go to the gym you’re going to feel sluggish and grumpy.  And let’s be honest, you’re still going to eat the jellybeans.  You’ll feel better if you workout.

Bah. What time is it?

7:25.

I still have five minutes to decide.

But then you won’t have time to get ready.  Goddamnit you know how times works!

 
Alright!  I’m getting up.  You win again.

Irrational (and Slightly Rational) Fears

I know I’m not alone in having fears that some may consider irrational.  I should probably be concerned with fears that most people have, like terrorism, disease, and nuclear warfare.  But for whatever reason, those don’t bother too much.  I’m certainly not in favor of them, but I don’t actively fear them.  Instead, I’m over here thinking of strategies of what to do if I ever come in contact with a hippo (do I pet it or run?) or what if it starts snowing one day and never, ever stops.  What then, world?

I decided to confront these fears and rank them from most likely to happen to highly unlikely.  Hopefully this will help me overcome them…someday.

Getting pushed into the subway tracks

Actually, this isn’t irrational at all…this happens.  I’m actually surprised it doesn’t happen more often based on how packed the subway platforms can get.  I’m still shocked I survived the E platform the day before Thanksgiving last year.

Water going up my nose

This is still a chance I take every time I swim in the ocean…so I still hold my nose like a child when I dive under a wave.  That’s right, I’m almost 30 and I take the safety precautions of an 8 year old.  Have you ever had salt water go up your nose?  It’s like snorting hot sauce.  Any sort of water near my nose is upsetting to me.  I can’t even put my face under the shower, I need to gather water in my hands and splash my face with it.  The idea of neti pot truly disturbs me.

Dropping my giant mug of tea on a coworker and/or their computer

Due to how clumsy I am, this could happen.  My open office is an obstacle course of desks, chairs, and people having stand-up meetings.  Since the water that comes out of our water cooler could melt the flesh off your skin, I would feel really bad if I dumped a huge mug of it on someone.  And I’m pretty sure I would be stoned to death for spilling something on a computer.  At least it would smell like peaches…

Getting stuck in an elevator when I have to pee

I have walked up the 6 flights of stairs to my apartment instead of taking the elevator when I really had to pee.  I refer to the mad dash to the bathroom as a “photo finish” when it’s really bad and you juuuust make it.  You know what I’m talking about.  Like not another second could have gone by or you would have peed yourself.  I fear that one time I’ll be stuck in an elevator when this happens and there will no other choice then to do the unspeakable.

Wanting another drink at a restaurant and the server never coming back

I know it’s unlikely that my server will up and quit mid-meal and the restaurant won’t send a replacement.  But what if that happens right before someone is about to make a toast and no one has refilled my glass?  You can’t cheers with an empty glass and using a water glass is stupid.  It’s also frowned up to sneak up to the bar and order a drink while you’re eating at a table.  What then?!

A pigeon flying into my apartment and not being able to get it out

Ever since my window sill was overtaken by pigeons a few years ago and I gained insight into their sadistic bird world, I have feared having one enter my home.  I feel like I wouldn’t be able to catch it and killing or hurting it is not an option, so I would be reduced to trying to coerce it out the window.  But then what if more pigeons came in and suddenly my apartment was overtaken by pigeons? I guess I would just have to move.

And finally…

Sloths

I. F**king. Hate. Sloths.  I know they’re very in right now and people find them adorable, but they just terrify me.  I feel like they’re not really that slow, it’s all just a sick game to make us think they’re harmless.  We’ll all be like “silly sloths, they’re so slow and lazy haha.”  But the sloths knows better. They’re lurking, waiting, to make their move and destroy the humans.  That’s why they’re always doing that creepy smile thing.  Plus, they grow f**cking algae on their fur!  What is that about?  Is it some form of protection or adaption?  How is no one else disturbed by this?  I’m onto to you, you stupid plant mammal.

Also, they basically have knives for hands.  Not ok.

Now that I think of it, I also fear…

Leaving my hair straightener on and my apartment burning down…even though I haven’t used my straightener in 2 years…

Dropping (and smashing) a good bottle of whiskey.  Or really any whiskey.  What a travesty that would be.

Being attacked by pigeons on my way to work, like in the movie ‘The Birds’.

Lunar moths.  You want to see a (sort of) adult hide in a corner?  Bring me to a butterfly house that some monster has released these in.

It’s amazing I’ve made it this far.