The 10 Relationship Commandments

Thou Shalt Share the Remote

When the hour of HBO’s Girls strikes 10pm, thou shalt hand over the remote and play on thy tablet or phone.  When the era of March Madness dawns, thou shall hand over the remote and go on Pinterest.  Or thou shalt journey to ye ole sports bar or thy friend’s quarters.

Thou Shalt Keep it Spicy

Should winter descend upon thy bed, thou shalt get creative with games, costumes, and toys.  Heed this advice – all ye new interests must be consulted and agreed upon before thou doth get it on. And the lovers shall establish a safe word.

Thou Shalt Apologize for What Thou said while Drunk/Hungry/PMSing

While anger and rage make take over body and mind, thou shalt ask forgiveness for calling thy loved one “incompetent” while looking for parking, and for eating all of the cookies.

Remember thy anniversary to prevent the silent treatment.

Should this day (or birthday) be forgotten, thou art in for it.

Thou Shalt Not Lie

Unless questioned “Does this make me look fat?”

Honor Thy Partner

When accompanying thy partner to work events, family parties, and friend’s dinner parties, thou shalt not consume too many tequila shots or tell the tale about when thy partner got arrested for urinating in public.

Thou Shalt “Return the Favor”

Thou knows what I mean, ladies and gents.

Thou Shalt Communicate Effectively

Should one partner piss off another, thou shalt express these feelings of disdain in a respectful, mature manner and not ye bar parking lot one month later at 2am.

Thou Shalt Not Depend On Thy Partner For Everything

Thou must maintain personal relationships outside of the relationship with thy partner.  Should thou not do so, thou risks becoming overly dependent and irritating thy partner which could lead to squabbles (and unnecessary drama which annoys thy friends).

Thou Shalt Love Thyself Before Thou Loves Another

Thou must resolve personal issues as not to destroy thy relationship with baggage. As it is written in the great text of Ru Paul’s Drag Race, “If you can’t love yourself, how the hell you gonna love somebody else? Can I get an amen?”

Amen

15 REAL Phrases That Would Immediately Turn Women On

I stumbled across an article titled “50 Phrases That Would Immediately Turn Women On If Men Would Would Actually Say Them”.  Intrigued, I clicked the link and was presented with a list of overly sexual, sappy, and definitely not safe for work content.  Repulsed and slightly concerned my IT department was going to check my browser history, I closed the article and thought, “those wouldn’t even peak my interest let alone turn me on, I would judge that man.”  One of them involved the words “I don’t want to ruin your manicure” (I’ll let you imagine the rest), which is considerate but not arousing.  So, I decided to make my own list – things that would make women/fellow bro chicks (if we could) go from six to midnight.

“Go relax on the couch, I already started dinner.”

“I passed by the liquor store and picked up a bottle of your favorite wine.  Just kidding, I picked up three.”

“Would you mind getting me a drink? The baby is sound asleep in my arms and I don’t want to wake him.”

“You look so sexy when you yell at the TV.”

“I have 3rd row season tickets to the Giants.”

“You like that beer?  I brewed it myself, I actually make a few different varieties.”

“Miss, would you like this seat (on a crowded subway)?”

“Allow me -” ::opens door:: , ::pulls out chair:: , ::helps put on jacket::

“I have excellent credit, a 401K, and a savings account.”

“You have the cutest scream when a pigeon gets too close to you.”

“I love your friends and family.”

“Why are you putting on makeup?  You always look so pretty when you don’t wear it.”

“Your butt is the perfect balance of toned and squishy.”

“Go on and order the cheeseburger, you don’t need to watch your weight.”

“You don’t need to wear heels, your legs already look amazing.”

See guys – we’re really not that hard to please.