This morning sucked. After yet another night of “incomplete sleep” (i.e., waking up six times in one hour increments and begging my brain to let me sleep uninterrupted FOR ONCE), I dragged myself to my 6:45am gym class only to be met with severe back pain thanks to this bullshit weather. Not being able to complete a workout because of my back is almost as high up on my list of “shit that frustrates the hell out of me” as accidentally stepping into ankle-deep puddles while wearing flip flops.
I’ve been feeling pretty low all week so I tried not to let it bring me down, especially when a girl from the gym started talking to me as we walked home. I’m new to my gym so I didn’t want her to think I was some sort of crippled Debbie Downer. After we parted ways I thought to myself, “She’s really nice, like most people as this gym. This is pretty gr-”. I didn’t get to finish my thought because out of nowhere a bird SHIT ON MY HAND. My next thought was “Nope. I’m done with today.”
I got home, took a shower, and then, instead of doing my regular morning routine (meditating, making tea, packing my lunch, picking out my clothes, etc.), I got back into my bed and stared at the wall until I had to get up and go to work. I put zero effort into getting dressed and picked out the comfiest clothes I can get away with wearing to work, and then headed for the subway. The train showed up right as I got to the platform (win), I got a seat (double win), and pulled out my kindle to read a book I can’t put down (jackpot). As I put my purse between my feet I looked up and saw a pregnant woman standing in front of me. No one budged. Not even the TWO DUDES manspreading next to me. So I smiled at her and got up so she could take my seat. LIKE A DECENT HUMAN BEING. I spent the rest of my ride getting shuffled around, and trying to find the right way to stand so I could hold the pole and my kindle without dropping it onto someone’s head. Needless to say, I did not get a lot of reading done.
I got an express train so I had a longer walk to my office but figured the walk would be good for me. As soon as I got above ground I was bombarded by an anti-Verizon hoard of people screaming at a building, and had to finagle myself around them just at the police showed up. “Fuck this,” I said out loud, “I’m getting a fucking donut.” I said that part out loud too.
My depression has been hovering around me the whole week just like this bullshit weather has been hovering over the east coast. I’ve tried to fight it by going to the gym, being productive at work, and thinking positively. Not one of those things has actually happened – they’re more like feeble attempts. I mean technically I have been going to the gym, but my performance has been shit. Work is mostly me hiding around the office so no will talk to me. It’s not them – I love (most of) the people I work with, I just have a tendency to start crying when I feel like this and it’s super uncomfortable for everyone. And thinking positively can go fuck itself this week.
Today I’m letting myself be sad. Normally I try to fight back against my depression, or my anxiety, or the other shit that goes on in my brain, but not today. I want to clarify that this is not the same as succumbing to it or giving up – quite the contrary. I’m accepting it. I accept that there are times that I feel bad, whether I know the reason or my brain is just being a dick. Regardless, I know that I feel bad and I know that it won’t last forever. Sometimes when I accept the bad feelings and let them run their course, they don’t last as long. Instead of using all the little energy I have to pretend like everything is fine, I use that energy to do things that feel good to my sad self – like sleeping longer, spending time alone, staring at walls, and eating donuts.
On Tuesday, I felt crappy so I went for a walk and stopped at a coffee shop. I saw a row of donuts and could hear them calling out to me, telling me to eat their deliciousness. “NOT TODAY SATAN”, I heard my nutrition/fitness-focused self yell back. I didn’t need the donut. Today, I needed the donut. So I bought one. And I regret nothing.
Whether you have depression, another mental illness, or you’re just a normal human being with emotions, know that it’s ok to feed bad. Instead of trying to hide it or force it back into the depths of your mind (because that always works out well), accept it and embrace it. Let yourself feel bad and do things that feel right. When you feel bad physically you take care of yourself, so do the same when you feel bad mentally. Be kind to yourself and let yourself take it easy, it’s the least you could do for you.
And eat a donut – no one was ever sad while eating a donut.