It’s been a while since I’ve been able to write. I’ve been going through a bit of a depression the last couple of months and it zaps my energy to do anything, even things that I love. Depression is tricky because as much as you or others tell yourself to snap out of it, you can’t. It feels like nothing can make it go away, which is why it’s easy to feel hopeless and afraid.
I’ve been feeling very isolated so I decided to join an online support group for women with bipolar disorder. I was hesitant to join any type of support group because I prefer to suffer in silence. But I realized that’s part of the problem. When you feel depressed, anxious, manic, etc. it’s often times very lonely. You feel cut off from the rest of the world. You feel like your feelings are wrong and invalid. You feel completely alone. At least, that’s how I’ve been feeling. I feel like I don’t deserve to feel depressed. Anxiety is kind of another ball game, but depression always makes me feel selfish. I forget that it’s a chemical imbalance in my brain that my doctor can’t seem to figure out how to fix. I forget that it’s not my fault, nor is it anyone’s who experiences it. There’s no contest that determines who gets to be the most miserable. There’s so scale that validates your pain. There’s only what you feel, and what I keep reminding myself is it’s ok to have those feelings. This support group has helped me realize that.
I’m frustrated that I’m in a depression. All I can really say to explain how it feels is that it sucks. Very eloquent I know. But this group is helping. I see other women, often around my age, who are going through similar experiences. It validates how I feel and shows me that I’m not the only one who feels like that; it shows me I’m not alone. We encourage each other to seek help and support each other through the highs and the lows. And what’s so funny to me is this is a group of complete strangers, but I feel like I can be open and express what I feel without fear of judgement. I found this group on Facebook with just a quick search. That’s how easy it was to find such a wonderful form of support.
There’s been a lot of talk about depression and suicide in the news late with the recently losses. It’s been hard for me to read about because I’ve been in dark place and I’ve been in darker ones, the ones where it starts to feel like maybe there isn’t a light at the end of the tunnel. But that’s why I’m writing this post. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it until I’m blue in the face – get help. There are so many resources I’ve mentioned in my previous posts and they’re all available to you and anyone you know who is suffering.
Depression is hard, messy, and soul-sucking…but it doesn’t last forever. I’ve been in much deeper depressions than this one which what I hold on to, knowing that there is an end in sight. And when I feel alone or like I’m going crazy, I check in with my group and they help me remember it isn’t just me. And when all else fails, there’s always reruns of Drag Race and funny cat videos to put a smile on my face, even if it’s just for a minute.