Do Me a Favor – Never Say That Again

It’s human nature (or at least it certainly appears to be) to say something stupid from time to time.  We’ve all had the moment(s).  You know that moment where words come out of your mouth and the expression on people’s faces immediately tells you that you have made a horrific error?  Yeah, that moment.  Commonly known as “foot in mouth” or as I like to refer to it “stop talking immediately”.  Profusely apologizing and saying that you’re really tired and distracted because your cat is sick and you just got fired and you had no idea what you said was offensive can sometimes alleviate your faux pas.  Other times, you just need to never EVER say it again.

For your reading pleasure, here are some of the hilariously stupid and ignorant things people have said to me over the years:

“Women don’t drink whiskey.”

Someone legit said this to me at a bar.  Pretty sure “I will cut you” was my response.

“Your job sounds really boring.”

It often is, thanks for bringing that up.  It’s also how I pay my rent, buy whiskey, and feed myself.  What do you do?  Oh you’re an accountant?  Your work must be riveting.

“But you seem so normal.” [In reference to my bipolar disorder]

That’s because I’m medicated – if I wasn’t, you certainly wouldn’t be thinking that! You’d be preoccupied trying to figure out an escape route.  Also, educate yourself.

“You’re so lucky you’re thin.”

I get up at 6:20 in the morning to go to CrossFit i.e., expensive self-inflicted torture that gives you a nice butt.  And when I don’t do that, I spend my lunch break at a spin class.  I also eat pretty damn clean (minus my occasional jelly bean indulgences), drink almost a gallon of water a day, and cut way back on beer.  This isn’t luck, it’s dedication – I earned this body.  End of rant.

“You’re successful for a woman.”

Also something someone legit said to me at a bar.  That was the end of that conversation.  And that man’s self-esteem after I ripped into him.

“Where do you see yourself in five years.”

Ideally?  On a private island writing my second best-selling novel and eating truffle fries.  Realistically? Writing fucking user guides.

“That’s what you wear to work?”

I sit on the non-client-facing floor of my office surrounded by engineers wearing tee-shirts and sneakers.  So yeah, I’m wearing jeans and a hoodie.  You don’t know my life.

“I’m voting for trump.”

Get away from me. I can’t.

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15 REAL Phrases That Would Immediately Turn Women On

I stumbled across an article titled “50 Phrases That Would Immediately Turn Women On If Men Would Would Actually Say Them”.  Intrigued, I clicked the link and was presented with a list of overly sexual, sappy, and definitely not safe for work content.  Repulsed and slightly concerned my IT department was going to check my browser history, I closed the article and thought, “those wouldn’t even peak my interest let alone turn me on, I would judge that man.”  One of them involved the words “I don’t want to ruin your manicure” (I’ll let you imagine the rest), which is considerate but not arousing.  So, I decided to make my own list – things that would make women/fellow bro chicks (if we could) go from six to midnight.

“Go relax on the couch, I already started dinner.”

“I passed by the liquor store and picked up a bottle of your favorite wine.  Just kidding, I picked up three.”

“Would you mind getting me a drink? The baby is sound asleep in my arms and I don’t want to wake him.”

“You look so sexy when you yell at the TV.”

“I have 3rd row season tickets to the Giants.”

“You like that beer?  I brewed it myself, I actually make a few different varieties.”

“Miss, would you like this seat (on a crowded subway)?”

“Allow me -” ::opens door:: , ::pulls out chair:: , ::helps put on jacket::

“I have excellent credit, a 401K, and a savings account.”

“You have the cutest scream when a pigeon gets too close to you.”

“I love your friends and family.”

“Why are you putting on makeup?  You always look so pretty when you don’t wear it.”

“Your butt is the perfect balance of toned and squishy.”

“Go on and order the cheeseburger, you don’t need to watch your weight.”

“You don’t need to wear heels, your legs already look amazing.”

See guys – we’re really not that hard to please.

Irrational (and Slightly Rational) Fears

I know I’m not alone in having fears that some may consider irrational.  I should probably be concerned with fears that most people have, like terrorism, disease, and nuclear warfare.  But for whatever reason, those don’t bother too much.  I’m certainly not in favor of them, but I don’t actively fear them.  Instead, I’m over here thinking of strategies of what to do if I ever come in contact with a hippo (do I pet it or run?) or what if it starts snowing one day and never, ever stops.  What then, world?

I decided to confront these fears and rank them from most likely to happen to highly unlikely.  Hopefully this will help me overcome them…someday.

Getting pushed into the subway tracks

Actually, this isn’t irrational at all…this happens.  I’m actually surprised it doesn’t happen more often based on how packed the subway platforms can get.  I’m still shocked I survived the E platform the day before Thanksgiving last year.

Water going up my nose

This is still a chance I take every time I swim in the ocean…so I still hold my nose like a child when I dive under a wave.  That’s right, I’m almost 30 and I take the safety precautions of an 8 year old.  Have you ever had salt water go up your nose?  It’s like snorting hot sauce.  Any sort of water near my nose is upsetting to me.  I can’t even put my face under the shower, I need to gather water in my hands and splash my face with it.  The idea of neti pot truly disturbs me.

Dropping my giant mug of tea on a coworker and/or their computer

Due to how clumsy I am, this could happen.  My open office is an obstacle course of desks, chairs, and people having stand-up meetings.  Since the water that comes out of our water cooler could melt the flesh off your skin, I would feel really bad if I dumped a huge mug of it on someone.  And I’m pretty sure I would be stoned to death for spilling something on a computer.  At least it would smell like peaches…

Getting stuck in an elevator when I have to pee

I have walked up the 6 flights of stairs to my apartment instead of taking the elevator when I really had to pee.  I refer to the mad dash to the bathroom as a “photo finish” when it’s really bad and you juuuust make it.  You know what I’m talking about.  Like not another second could have gone by or you would have peed yourself.  I fear that one time I’ll be stuck in an elevator when this happens and there will no other choice then to do the unspeakable.

Wanting another drink at a restaurant and the server never coming back

I know it’s unlikely that my server will up and quit mid-meal and the restaurant won’t send a replacement.  But what if that happens right before someone is about to make a toast and no one has refilled my glass?  You can’t cheers with an empty glass and using a water glass is stupid.  It’s also frowned up to sneak up to the bar and order a drink while you’re eating at a table.  What then?!

A pigeon flying into my apartment and not being able to get it out

Ever since my window sill was overtaken by pigeons a few years ago and I gained insight into their sadistic bird world, I have feared having one enter my home.  I feel like I wouldn’t be able to catch it and killing or hurting it is not an option, so I would be reduced to trying to coerce it out the window.  But then what if more pigeons came in and suddenly my apartment was overtaken by pigeons? I guess I would just have to move.

And finally…

Sloths

I. F**king. Hate. Sloths.  I know they’re very in right now and people find them adorable, but they just terrify me.  I feel like they’re not really that slow, it’s all just a sick game to make us think they’re harmless.  We’ll all be like “silly sloths, they’re so slow and lazy haha.”  But the sloths knows better. They’re lurking, waiting, to make their move and destroy the humans.  That’s why they’re always doing that creepy smile thing.  Plus, they grow f**cking algae on their fur!  What is that about?  Is it some form of protection or adaption?  How is no one else disturbed by this?  I’m onto to you, you stupid plant mammal.

Also, they basically have knives for hands.  Not ok.

Now that I think of it, I also fear…

Leaving my hair straightener on and my apartment burning down…even though I haven’t used my straightener in 2 years…

Dropping (and smashing) a good bottle of whiskey.  Or really any whiskey.  What a travesty that would be.

Being attacked by pigeons on my way to work, like in the movie ‘The Birds’.

Lunar moths.  You want to see a (sort of) adult hide in a corner?  Bring me to a butterfly house that some monster has released these in.

It’s amazing I’ve made it this far.

#fall

A couple of weeks ago my boyfriend and I rented and car and drove to the beautiful state of New Hampshire.  It was a crisp fall day and as we made our way north I couldn’t help but be amazed by how beautiful the foliage was.  Living in the city has given me limited to nature, so seeing the tremendous beauty that is the North East in fall was almost overwhelming.  I understand why people drive hours to gaze at nature will their fellow leaf peepers; it’s truly remarkable.

As I starred at the colorful trees that lined the highway I said, “I know this might sound basic…but I love fall.”

I am not ashamed to say that I, like every stereotypical suburban girl, love fall.  It’s the perfect season.  Spring doesn’t exist anymore, summer is sweaty, and winter is just…winter.  Fall is the combination of everything I love; pretty colors, football, and pumpkin flavored everything.  Since this beloved season will be gone before we know it, I decided to reflect on the many reasons I love fall.  So when I’m trudging through the snow and cursing myself for living in the North East, I’ll remember that I have something to look forward to.

Apple picking: free apples (i.e., the ones you eat while you’re apple picking), apple cider donuts, and planning all the apple-inspired desserts I’ll never make.

IPAs, whiskey, and red wine galore: so long 3% summer beers and hello 9% IPAs! Although I do enjoy the occasional warm-weather cocktail, I much prefer a whiskey neat or a glass of red wine. Both of which are unpleasant when consumed in 95 degree weather, no matter how good the air conditioning is.

Sundays once again have purpose: football is back! Spending the day drinking beer, eating wings, and screaming at the TV is what dreams are made of.

Leaves changing: Instagram heaven.

Boot and sweater season: wearing open-toed shoes in the city is fucking disgusting. Plus my office is never a consistent temperature and carrying a sweater in the summer is annoying. Also, boots makes my legs look more proportionate (thank you CrossFit and spin).

Chai lattes: PSLs are pretty good, but I love me a good chai latte.  Now I can walk around and admire the foliage while I sip my tasty beverage, instead of angrily sitting in a loud, pretentious coffee shop.

No more shorts: no one looks good in shorts…no one.

Sweating on the subway becomes less common: the platform has finally cooled and is no longer 100+ degrees. That was a thing…and it was horrible.

Halloween: the most wonderful time of the year in my humble opinion.

Farmers markets galore: I love that anywhere there’s even remotely space in New York a farmer’s market manifests. It’s like when you say “Starbucks” three times in Manhattan.

We were truly blessed this year to have a legit fall. As the days grow shorter and colder and the imminent doom of snow, wind, and the holidays ascend upon us, I will fondly reminisce about brightly colored trees, light jackets, and Oktoberfest beers on tap at every bar.

5 Ways to Survive Work With a Hangover

Whether you went out to happy hour with your co-workers, had a boozy dinner party with friends, or polished off that magnum bottle of wine by yourself faster than anticipated; being hungover on a weekday is the worst.  There are few things more unpleasant than waking up with the spins, a pounding headache, and dry mouth only to realize you have minutes to get out the door, get to your job, and try to be an adult.

As someone who has had their fair share of rough mornings, I’ve discovered five things you can do combat your lapse in judgement and survive the workday.

1. Take a shower

Do this before you leave for work…obviously.  This is something I swear by. Not only because you want to wash the makeup, smell of booze, and shame off of you, but because it feels awesome.  There’s something about a hungover shower that is so rejuvenating.  After my office Christmas party, I woke up with 5 minutes to get out of my apartment so I had to forgo my revitalizing shower.  I went to the gym on my lunch break that day not to sweat out the booze, but to stand in the shower for 30 minutes. It was amazing.

2. Eat something greasy and keep the fluids coming

If you normally stick to a healthy breakfast or lunch, throw all your fears of trans-fats, sugar, and gluten to the wind. Today, that double bacon, egg, and cheese on a bagel is your friend.  Make sure to stock your desk with plenty of fluids – iced coffee (no matter what season it is), purple Vitamin Water, and plain old water should keep you hydrated and alert.  Just keep in mind that this may send a signal to some of your coworkers that you overindulged last night.  I got called out for being hungover at work when I showed up to a 30 minute meeting with a bottle of water, a massive cup of green tea, and a vitamin water.  Speaking of coworkers…

3. Stay away from anyone who can fire you 

Fortunately for me, I’ve seen my boss hungover more than once at work and there’s an unspoken understanding in our office.  After our summer party, only ⅓ of the office showed up to work the next day (who puts a party with an open bar on a Tuesday?). However, I have worked at other companies where it was frowned upon for employees to come in smelling like beer and to wear sunglasses all day.  During those days, I would eat lunch at my desk to avoid having to try to speak coherently with my boss in the lunchroom.  I would also walk in and exit with my headphones on to avoid any unwanted small talk.

4. Take a nap or go for a walk

I miss my car.  There was nothing like a 15 minute power nap to help me make it through the day.  Even if the admin did catch me and judge the hell out of me one time, it was still worth it.  If you have a car, I urge you take advantage of the luxurious back seat for a quick snooze to replenish your energy. Sadly, I take the subway to work now so that’s no longer an option. Instead, I walk around the city to jolt me awake.  Something about dodging men in suits glued to their iPhones and smelly homeless people recharges me like my former car naps did once upon a time.  The fresh air helps too…unless it’s summer.  If it’s 90 degrees inside stay inside and avoid windows. The sun is your enemy.

5. Learn from your mistakes

Showing up to work hungover is unprofessional and could cost you your job. If you work in a school, doctor’s office, or other job where your actions have a direct impact on other people, you should definitely drink in moderation during the week (save your bender for the weekend).  If you work in tech, however, save your weekday binge drinking for company events.  That way multiple people will be hungover and you can just blend into the crowd.  Also, drink plenty of water, take some ibuprofen, and remember that doing shots during the week is a terrible idea…even if your boss pays for them.