It’s human nature (or at least it certainly appears to be) to say something stupid from time to time. We’ve all had the moment(s). You know that moment where words come out of your mouth and the expression on people’s faces immediately tells you that you have made a horrific error? Yeah, that moment. Commonly known as “foot in mouth” or as I like to refer to it “stop talking immediately”. Profusely apologizing and saying that you’re really tired and distracted because your cat is sick and you just got fired and you had no idea what you said was offensive can sometimes alleviate your faux pas. Other times, you just need to never EVER say it again.
For your reading pleasure, here are some of the hilariously stupid and ignorant things people have said to me over the years:
“Women don’t drink whiskey.”
Someone legit said this to me at a bar. Pretty sure “I will cut you” was my response.
“Your job sounds really boring.”
It often is, thanks for bringing that up. It’s also how I pay my rent, buy whiskey, and feed myself. What do you do? Oh you’re an accountant? Your work must be riveting.
“But you seem so normal.” [In reference to my bipolar disorder]
That’s because I’m medicated – if I wasn’t, you certainly wouldn’t be thinking that! You’d be preoccupied trying to figure out an escape route. Also, educate yourself.
“You’re so lucky you’re thin.”
I get up at 6:20 in the morning to go to CrossFit i.e., expensive self-inflicted torture that gives you a nice butt. And when I don’t do that, I spend my lunch break at a spin class. I also eat pretty damn clean (minus my occasional jelly bean indulgences), drink almost a gallon of water a day, and cut way back on beer. This isn’t luck, it’s dedication – I earned this body. End of rant.
“You’re successful for a woman.”
Also something someone legit said to me at a bar. That was the end of that conversation. And that man’s self-esteem after I ripped into him.
“Where do you see yourself in five years.”
Ideally? On a private island writing my second best-selling novel and eating truffle fries. Realistically? Writing fucking user guides.
“That’s what you wear to work?”
I sit on the non-client-facing floor of my office surrounded by engineers wearing tee-shirts and sneakers. So yeah, I’m wearing jeans and a hoodie. You don’t know my life.
“I’m voting for trump.”
Get away from me. I can’t.