15 REAL Phrases That Would Immediately Turn Women On

I stumbled across an article titled “50 Phrases That Would Immediately Turn Women On If Men Would Would Actually Say Them”.  Intrigued, I clicked the link and was presented with a list of overly sexual, sappy, and definitely not safe for work content.  Repulsed and slightly concerned my IT department was going to check my browser history, I closed the article and thought, “those wouldn’t even peak my interest let alone turn me on, I would judge that man.”  One of them involved the words “I don’t want to ruin your manicure” (I’ll let you imagine the rest), which is considerate but not arousing.  So, I decided to make my own list – things that would make women/fellow bro chicks (if we could) go from six to midnight.

“Go relax on the couch, I already started dinner.”

“I passed by the liquor store and picked up a bottle of your favorite wine.  Just kidding, I picked up three.”

“Would you mind getting me a drink? The baby is sound asleep in my arms and I don’t want to wake him.”

“You look so sexy when you yell at the TV.”

“I have 3rd row season tickets to the Giants.”

“You like that beer?  I brewed it myself, I actually make a few different varieties.”

“Miss, would you like this seat (on a crowded subway)?”

“Allow me -” ::opens door:: , ::pulls out chair:: , ::helps put on jacket::

“I have excellent credit, a 401K, and a savings account.”

“You have the cutest scream when a pigeon gets too close to you.”

“I love your friends and family.”

“Why are you putting on makeup?  You always look so pretty when you don’t wear it.”

“Your butt is the perfect balance of toned and squishy.”

“Go on and order the cheeseburger, you don’t need to watch your weight.”

“You don’t need to wear heels, your legs already look amazing.”

See guys – we’re really not that hard to please.

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Party Girl vs. Old Lady: The Weekend Internal Debate

The other week I wrote about the internal debate I have every morning about getting out of bed on time.  The debate wages between the two sides of me in the morning: the side that wants to be productive and go to the gym, and the side that wants to sleep for another hour.  While the productive side usually wins (self high-five), the debate still occurs every single morning.

Over the weekend I realized there is another internal debate that wages in my mind between two opposing sides: the side that wants to go out and be 21 (well, more like 25 – I have money and (slightly more) pride now), and the side that wants to stay in and be 90.  As I make my way towards turning the big 3-0, I struggle between wanting to suck every last glorious moment out of my twenties and wanting to slip slowly into ‘old lady status’.

This is the debate between the two sides that occurred this past Friday night.

It’s Friday night.  You should go out.

No way.  Boyfriend is out which means three words; Drag Race marathon.

You didn’t do anything this week besides go to work and go to the gym.  You should text someone and go out for drinks.

But I’m already home. And I’ve taken my pants off.  There’s no way I’m leaving this couch.

You sound like a old man.  Come on, it will be fun!  You can wear those pleather leggings you’ve worn once.  We spent $50 on those, we should get some use out of them.

But I’m tiiiiiiiired.

You’re always tired!  Make a cup of coffee.  Let’s grab a few drinks.

We can’t do that anymore.  You remember the hangover after the work party a few ago?  Do you want that to happen again??

You are 27 years old.  You can survive a mild hangover.

A, that was not a ‘mild hangover’, that was a ‘this is it, this is how i die’ hangover.  And B, I have spin at 9:30 tomorrow and I want to get to the gym early to stretch.

Listen to you.  Remember when you didn’t even used to leave to go out until 11pm?

Yeah, I do.  Remember when I couldn’t get up in a pile of a snow because I had too many vodka and grape soda’s?  Not a proud moment.

There’s no snow on the ground, it will be fine.

No.  I’m staying here.  I have my drag queens, my coloring book, and my tasty leftovers.  I am not moving.

Fine.  Be old and lame.  When you’re a mom you’re going to look back on these days and think ‘I should have gone out when I had the chance!’

Perhaps.  Until then, I’m quite content with my old lady status*.

Ughhhhhh. Fine.  You win this time.  But we’re watching Season 5.

Deal.
*I redeemed myself that Sunday with a SundayFunday and getting home at midnight on a worknight.  I regretted everything on Monday.

Irrational (and Slightly Rational) Fears

I know I’m not alone in having fears that some may consider irrational.  I should probably be concerned with fears that most people have, like terrorism, disease, and nuclear warfare.  But for whatever reason, those don’t bother too much.  I’m certainly not in favor of them, but I don’t actively fear them.  Instead, I’m over here thinking of strategies of what to do if I ever come in contact with a hippo (do I pet it or run?) or what if it starts snowing one day and never, ever stops.  What then, world?

I decided to confront these fears and rank them from most likely to happen to highly unlikely.  Hopefully this will help me overcome them…someday.

Getting pushed into the subway tracks

Actually, this isn’t irrational at all…this happens.  I’m actually surprised it doesn’t happen more often based on how packed the subway platforms can get.  I’m still shocked I survived the E platform the day before Thanksgiving last year.

Water going up my nose

This is still a chance I take every time I swim in the ocean…so I still hold my nose like a child when I dive under a wave.  That’s right, I’m almost 30 and I take the safety precautions of an 8 year old.  Have you ever had salt water go up your nose?  It’s like snorting hot sauce.  Any sort of water near my nose is upsetting to me.  I can’t even put my face under the shower, I need to gather water in my hands and splash my face with it.  The idea of neti pot truly disturbs me.

Dropping my giant mug of tea on a coworker and/or their computer

Due to how clumsy I am, this could happen.  My open office is an obstacle course of desks, chairs, and people having stand-up meetings.  Since the water that comes out of our water cooler could melt the flesh off your skin, I would feel really bad if I dumped a huge mug of it on someone.  And I’m pretty sure I would be stoned to death for spilling something on a computer.  At least it would smell like peaches…

Getting stuck in an elevator when I have to pee

I have walked up the 6 flights of stairs to my apartment instead of taking the elevator when I really had to pee.  I refer to the mad dash to the bathroom as a “photo finish” when it’s really bad and you juuuust make it.  You know what I’m talking about.  Like not another second could have gone by or you would have peed yourself.  I fear that one time I’ll be stuck in an elevator when this happens and there will no other choice then to do the unspeakable.

Wanting another drink at a restaurant and the server never coming back

I know it’s unlikely that my server will up and quit mid-meal and the restaurant won’t send a replacement.  But what if that happens right before someone is about to make a toast and no one has refilled my glass?  You can’t cheers with an empty glass and using a water glass is stupid.  It’s also frowned up to sneak up to the bar and order a drink while you’re eating at a table.  What then?!

A pigeon flying into my apartment and not being able to get it out

Ever since my window sill was overtaken by pigeons a few years ago and I gained insight into their sadistic bird world, I have feared having one enter my home.  I feel like I wouldn’t be able to catch it and killing or hurting it is not an option, so I would be reduced to trying to coerce it out the window.  But then what if more pigeons came in and suddenly my apartment was overtaken by pigeons? I guess I would just have to move.

And finally…

Sloths

I. F**king. Hate. Sloths.  I know they’re very in right now and people find them adorable, but they just terrify me.  I feel like they’re not really that slow, it’s all just a sick game to make us think they’re harmless.  We’ll all be like “silly sloths, they’re so slow and lazy haha.”  But the sloths knows better. They’re lurking, waiting, to make their move and destroy the humans.  That’s why they’re always doing that creepy smile thing.  Plus, they grow f**cking algae on their fur!  What is that about?  Is it some form of protection or adaption?  How is no one else disturbed by this?  I’m onto to you, you stupid plant mammal.

Also, they basically have knives for hands.  Not ok.

Now that I think of it, I also fear…

Leaving my hair straightener on and my apartment burning down…even though I haven’t used my straightener in 2 years…

Dropping (and smashing) a good bottle of whiskey.  Or really any whiskey.  What a travesty that would be.

Being attacked by pigeons on my way to work, like in the movie ‘The Birds’.

Lunar moths.  You want to see a (sort of) adult hide in a corner?  Bring me to a butterfly house that some monster has released these in.

It’s amazing I’ve made it this far.

5 Ways to Survive Work With a Hangover

Whether you went out to happy hour with your co-workers, had a boozy dinner party with friends, or polished off that magnum bottle of wine by yourself faster than anticipated; being hungover on a weekday is the worst.  There are few things more unpleasant than waking up with the spins, a pounding headache, and dry mouth only to realize you have minutes to get out the door, get to your job, and try to be an adult.

As someone who has had their fair share of rough mornings, I’ve discovered five things you can do combat your lapse in judgement and survive the workday.

1. Take a shower

Do this before you leave for work…obviously.  This is something I swear by. Not only because you want to wash the makeup, smell of booze, and shame off of you, but because it feels awesome.  There’s something about a hungover shower that is so rejuvenating.  After my office Christmas party, I woke up with 5 minutes to get out of my apartment so I had to forgo my revitalizing shower.  I went to the gym on my lunch break that day not to sweat out the booze, but to stand in the shower for 30 minutes. It was amazing.

2. Eat something greasy and keep the fluids coming

If you normally stick to a healthy breakfast or lunch, throw all your fears of trans-fats, sugar, and gluten to the wind. Today, that double bacon, egg, and cheese on a bagel is your friend.  Make sure to stock your desk with plenty of fluids – iced coffee (no matter what season it is), purple Vitamin Water, and plain old water should keep you hydrated and alert.  Just keep in mind that this may send a signal to some of your coworkers that you overindulged last night.  I got called out for being hungover at work when I showed up to a 30 minute meeting with a bottle of water, a massive cup of green tea, and a vitamin water.  Speaking of coworkers…

3. Stay away from anyone who can fire you 

Fortunately for me, I’ve seen my boss hungover more than once at work and there’s an unspoken understanding in our office.  After our summer party, only ⅓ of the office showed up to work the next day (who puts a party with an open bar on a Tuesday?). However, I have worked at other companies where it was frowned upon for employees to come in smelling like beer and to wear sunglasses all day.  During those days, I would eat lunch at my desk to avoid having to try to speak coherently with my boss in the lunchroom.  I would also walk in and exit with my headphones on to avoid any unwanted small talk.

4. Take a nap or go for a walk

I miss my car.  There was nothing like a 15 minute power nap to help me make it through the day.  Even if the admin did catch me and judge the hell out of me one time, it was still worth it.  If you have a car, I urge you take advantage of the luxurious back seat for a quick snooze to replenish your energy. Sadly, I take the subway to work now so that’s no longer an option. Instead, I walk around the city to jolt me awake.  Something about dodging men in suits glued to their iPhones and smelly homeless people recharges me like my former car naps did once upon a time.  The fresh air helps too…unless it’s summer.  If it’s 90 degrees inside stay inside and avoid windows. The sun is your enemy.

5. Learn from your mistakes

Showing up to work hungover is unprofessional and could cost you your job. If you work in a school, doctor’s office, or other job where your actions have a direct impact on other people, you should definitely drink in moderation during the week (save your bender for the weekend).  If you work in tech, however, save your weekday binge drinking for company events.  That way multiple people will be hungover and you can just blend into the crowd.  Also, drink plenty of water, take some ibuprofen, and remember that doing shots during the week is a terrible idea…even if your boss pays for them.