Irrational (and Slightly Rational) Fears

I know I’m not alone in having fears that some may consider irrational.  I should probably be concerned with fears that most people have, like terrorism, disease, and nuclear warfare.  But for whatever reason, those don’t bother too much.  I’m certainly not in favor of them, but I don’t actively fear them.  Instead, I’m over here thinking of strategies of what to do if I ever come in contact with a hippo (do I pet it or run?) or what if it starts snowing one day and never, ever stops.  What then, world?

I decided to confront these fears and rank them from most likely to happen to highly unlikely.  Hopefully this will help me overcome them…someday.

Getting pushed into the subway tracks

Actually, this isn’t irrational at all…this happens.  I’m actually surprised it doesn’t happen more often based on how packed the subway platforms can get.  I’m still shocked I survived the E platform the day before Thanksgiving last year.

Water going up my nose

This is still a chance I take every time I swim in the ocean…so I still hold my nose like a child when I dive under a wave.  That’s right, I’m almost 30 and I take the safety precautions of an 8 year old.  Have you ever had salt water go up your nose?  It’s like snorting hot sauce.  Any sort of water near my nose is upsetting to me.  I can’t even put my face under the shower, I need to gather water in my hands and splash my face with it.  The idea of neti pot truly disturbs me.

Dropping my giant mug of tea on a coworker and/or their computer

Due to how clumsy I am, this could happen.  My open office is an obstacle course of desks, chairs, and people having stand-up meetings.  Since the water that comes out of our water cooler could melt the flesh off your skin, I would feel really bad if I dumped a huge mug of it on someone.  And I’m pretty sure I would be stoned to death for spilling something on a computer.  At least it would smell like peaches…

Getting stuck in an elevator when I have to pee

I have walked up the 6 flights of stairs to my apartment instead of taking the elevator when I really had to pee.  I refer to the mad dash to the bathroom as a “photo finish” when it’s really bad and you juuuust make it.  You know what I’m talking about.  Like not another second could have gone by or you would have peed yourself.  I fear that one time I’ll be stuck in an elevator when this happens and there will no other choice then to do the unspeakable.

Wanting another drink at a restaurant and the server never coming back

I know it’s unlikely that my server will up and quit mid-meal and the restaurant won’t send a replacement.  But what if that happens right before someone is about to make a toast and no one has refilled my glass?  You can’t cheers with an empty glass and using a water glass is stupid.  It’s also frowned up to sneak up to the bar and order a drink while you’re eating at a table.  What then?!

A pigeon flying into my apartment and not being able to get it out

Ever since my window sill was overtaken by pigeons a few years ago and I gained insight into their sadistic bird world, I have feared having one enter my home.  I feel like I wouldn’t be able to catch it and killing or hurting it is not an option, so I would be reduced to trying to coerce it out the window.  But then what if more pigeons came in and suddenly my apartment was overtaken by pigeons? I guess I would just have to move.

And finally…

Sloths

I. F**king. Hate. Sloths.  I know they’re very in right now and people find them adorable, but they just terrify me.  I feel like they’re not really that slow, it’s all just a sick game to make us think they’re harmless.  We’ll all be like “silly sloths, they’re so slow and lazy haha.”  But the sloths knows better. They’re lurking, waiting, to make their move and destroy the humans.  That’s why they’re always doing that creepy smile thing.  Plus, they grow f**cking algae on their fur!  What is that about?  Is it some form of protection or adaption?  How is no one else disturbed by this?  I’m onto to you, you stupid plant mammal.

Also, they basically have knives for hands.  Not ok.

Now that I think of it, I also fear…

Leaving my hair straightener on and my apartment burning down…even though I haven’t used my straightener in 2 years…

Dropping (and smashing) a good bottle of whiskey.  Or really any whiskey.  What a travesty that would be.

Being attacked by pigeons on my way to work, like in the movie ‘The Birds’.

Lunar moths.  You want to see a (sort of) adult hide in a corner?  Bring me to a butterfly house that some monster has released these in.

It’s amazing I’ve made it this far.

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#fall

A couple of weeks ago my boyfriend and I rented and car and drove to the beautiful state of New Hampshire.  It was a crisp fall day and as we made our way north I couldn’t help but be amazed by how beautiful the foliage was.  Living in the city has given me limited to nature, so seeing the tremendous beauty that is the North East in fall was almost overwhelming.  I understand why people drive hours to gaze at nature will their fellow leaf peepers; it’s truly remarkable.

As I starred at the colorful trees that lined the highway I said, “I know this might sound basic…but I love fall.”

I am not ashamed to say that I, like every stereotypical suburban girl, love fall.  It’s the perfect season.  Spring doesn’t exist anymore, summer is sweaty, and winter is just…winter.  Fall is the combination of everything I love; pretty colors, football, and pumpkin flavored everything.  Since this beloved season will be gone before we know it, I decided to reflect on the many reasons I love fall.  So when I’m trudging through the snow and cursing myself for living in the North East, I’ll remember that I have something to look forward to.

Apple picking: free apples (i.e., the ones you eat while you’re apple picking), apple cider donuts, and planning all the apple-inspired desserts I’ll never make.

IPAs, whiskey, and red wine galore: so long 3% summer beers and hello 9% IPAs! Although I do enjoy the occasional warm-weather cocktail, I much prefer a whiskey neat or a glass of red wine. Both of which are unpleasant when consumed in 95 degree weather, no matter how good the air conditioning is.

Sundays once again have purpose: football is back! Spending the day drinking beer, eating wings, and screaming at the TV is what dreams are made of.

Leaves changing: Instagram heaven.

Boot and sweater season: wearing open-toed shoes in the city is fucking disgusting. Plus my office is never a consistent temperature and carrying a sweater in the summer is annoying. Also, boots makes my legs look more proportionate (thank you CrossFit and spin).

Chai lattes: PSLs are pretty good, but I love me a good chai latte.  Now I can walk around and admire the foliage while I sip my tasty beverage, instead of angrily sitting in a loud, pretentious coffee shop.

No more shorts: no one looks good in shorts…no one.

Sweating on the subway becomes less common: the platform has finally cooled and is no longer 100+ degrees. That was a thing…and it was horrible.

Halloween: the most wonderful time of the year in my humble opinion.

Farmers markets galore: I love that anywhere there’s even remotely space in New York a farmer’s market manifests. It’s like when you say “Starbucks” three times in Manhattan.

We were truly blessed this year to have a legit fall. As the days grow shorter and colder and the imminent doom of snow, wind, and the holidays ascend upon us, I will fondly reminisce about brightly colored trees, light jackets, and Oktoberfest beers on tap at every bar.