Do Me a Favor – Never Say That Again

It’s human nature (or at least it certainly appears to be) to say something stupid from time to time.  We’ve all had the moment(s).  You know that moment where words come out of your mouth and the expression on people’s faces immediately tells you that you have made a horrific error?  Yeah, that moment.  Commonly known as “foot in mouth” or as I like to refer to it “stop talking immediately”.  Profusely apologizing and saying that you’re really tired and distracted because your cat is sick and you just got fired and you had no idea what you said was offensive can sometimes alleviate your faux pas.  Other times, you just need to never EVER say it again.

For your reading pleasure, here are some of the hilariously stupid and ignorant things people have said to me over the years:

“Women don’t drink whiskey.”

Someone legit said this to me at a bar.  Pretty sure “I will cut you” was my response.

“Your job sounds really boring.”

It often is, thanks for bringing that up.  It’s also how I pay my rent, buy whiskey, and feed myself.  What do you do?  Oh you’re an accountant?  Your work must be riveting.

“But you seem so normal.” [In reference to my bipolar disorder]

That’s because I’m medicated – if I wasn’t, you certainly wouldn’t be thinking that! You’d be preoccupied trying to figure out an escape route.  Also, educate yourself.

“You’re so lucky you’re thin.”

I get up at 6:20 in the morning to go to CrossFit i.e., expensive self-inflicted torture that gives you a nice butt.  And when I don’t do that, I spend my lunch break at a spin class.  I also eat pretty damn clean (minus my occasional jelly bean indulgences), drink almost a gallon of water a day, and cut way back on beer.  This isn’t luck, it’s dedication – I earned this body.  End of rant.

“You’re successful for a woman.”

Also something someone legit said to me at a bar.  That was the end of that conversation.  And that man’s self-esteem after I ripped into him.

“Where do you see yourself in five years.”

Ideally?  On a private island writing my second best-selling novel and eating truffle fries.  Realistically? Writing fucking user guides.

“That’s what you wear to work?”

I sit on the non-client-facing floor of my office surrounded by engineers wearing tee-shirts and sneakers.  So yeah, I’m wearing jeans and a hoodie.  You don’t know my life.

“I’m voting for trump.”

Get away from me. I can’t.

15 REAL Phrases That Would Immediately Turn Women On

I stumbled across an article titled “50 Phrases That Would Immediately Turn Women On If Men Would Would Actually Say Them”.  Intrigued, I clicked the link and was presented with a list of overly sexual, sappy, and definitely not safe for work content.  Repulsed and slightly concerned my IT department was going to check my browser history, I closed the article and thought, “those wouldn’t even peak my interest let alone turn me on, I would judge that man.”  One of them involved the words “I don’t want to ruin your manicure” (I’ll let you imagine the rest), which is considerate but not arousing.  So, I decided to make my own list – things that would make women/fellow bro chicks (if we could) go from six to midnight.

“Go relax on the couch, I already started dinner.”

“I passed by the liquor store and picked up a bottle of your favorite wine.  Just kidding, I picked up three.”

“Would you mind getting me a drink? The baby is sound asleep in my arms and I don’t want to wake him.”

“You look so sexy when you yell at the TV.”

“I have 3rd row season tickets to the Giants.”

“You like that beer?  I brewed it myself, I actually make a few different varieties.”

“Miss, would you like this seat (on a crowded subway)?”

“Allow me -” ::opens door:: , ::pulls out chair:: , ::helps put on jacket::

“I have excellent credit, a 401K, and a savings account.”

“You have the cutest scream when a pigeon gets too close to you.”

“I love your friends and family.”

“Why are you putting on makeup?  You always look so pretty when you don’t wear it.”

“Your butt is the perfect balance of toned and squishy.”

“Go on and order the cheeseburger, you don’t need to watch your weight.”

“You don’t need to wear heels, your legs already look amazing.”

See guys – we’re really not that hard to please.

5 Ways to Survive Work With a Hangover

Whether you went out to happy hour with your co-workers, had a boozy dinner party with friends, or polished off that magnum bottle of wine by yourself faster than anticipated; being hungover on a weekday is the worst.  There are few things more unpleasant than waking up with the spins, a pounding headache, and dry mouth only to realize you have minutes to get out the door, get to your job, and try to be an adult.

As someone who has had their fair share of rough mornings, I’ve discovered five things you can do combat your lapse in judgement and survive the workday.

1. Take a shower

Do this before you leave for work…obviously.  This is something I swear by. Not only because you want to wash the makeup, smell of booze, and shame off of you, but because it feels awesome.  There’s something about a hungover shower that is so rejuvenating.  After my office Christmas party, I woke up with 5 minutes to get out of my apartment so I had to forgo my revitalizing shower.  I went to the gym on my lunch break that day not to sweat out the booze, but to stand in the shower for 30 minutes. It was amazing.

2. Eat something greasy and keep the fluids coming

If you normally stick to a healthy breakfast or lunch, throw all your fears of trans-fats, sugar, and gluten to the wind. Today, that double bacon, egg, and cheese on a bagel is your friend.  Make sure to stock your desk with plenty of fluids – iced coffee (no matter what season it is), purple Vitamin Water, and plain old water should keep you hydrated and alert.  Just keep in mind that this may send a signal to some of your coworkers that you overindulged last night.  I got called out for being hungover at work when I showed up to a 30 minute meeting with a bottle of water, a massive cup of green tea, and a vitamin water.  Speaking of coworkers…

3. Stay away from anyone who can fire you 

Fortunately for me, I’ve seen my boss hungover more than once at work and there’s an unspoken understanding in our office.  After our summer party, only ⅓ of the office showed up to work the next day (who puts a party with an open bar on a Tuesday?). However, I have worked at other companies where it was frowned upon for employees to come in smelling like beer and to wear sunglasses all day.  During those days, I would eat lunch at my desk to avoid having to try to speak coherently with my boss in the lunchroom.  I would also walk in and exit with my headphones on to avoid any unwanted small talk.

4. Take a nap or go for a walk

I miss my car.  There was nothing like a 15 minute power nap to help me make it through the day.  Even if the admin did catch me and judge the hell out of me one time, it was still worth it.  If you have a car, I urge you take advantage of the luxurious back seat for a quick snooze to replenish your energy. Sadly, I take the subway to work now so that’s no longer an option. Instead, I walk around the city to jolt me awake.  Something about dodging men in suits glued to their iPhones and smelly homeless people recharges me like my former car naps did once upon a time.  The fresh air helps too…unless it’s summer.  If it’s 90 degrees inside stay inside and avoid windows. The sun is your enemy.

5. Learn from your mistakes

Showing up to work hungover is unprofessional and could cost you your job. If you work in a school, doctor’s office, or other job where your actions have a direct impact on other people, you should definitely drink in moderation during the week (save your bender for the weekend).  If you work in tech, however, save your weekday binge drinking for company events.  That way multiple people will be hungover and you can just blend into the crowd.  Also, drink plenty of water, take some ibuprofen, and remember that doing shots during the week is a terrible idea…even if your boss pays for them.

Booze and You

Occasionally I read through the posts on my blogs to see how my writing has changed, how I’ve changed, and because I find my own writing entertaining (plus I can spot missed grammatical errors).  If you’ve read through my blog you’ve probably noticed I have a few recurring themes; the concept of ‘you do you’, having an undesirable career situation, and booze (mainly whiskey, of course).  I will not deny that I love booze.  Not in an ‘I sit on my couch cursing my life choices drinking out of the bottle’ way, but more of ‘it’s nice out/my friends are here/I’m not at work/it’s the weekend’ way.  As I read through my articles that reference my love of whiskey, I started to think about other types of adult beverages and how you can get a good read about someone based on their drink choice.  You may think that judging a person based on their choice of beverage (or lack there of) is juvenile and irrelevant, but I disagree.  Behold, my guide of drink choices and what they say about you:

Beer

An IPA/Porter/other beer that costs $8+ not at happy hour: you’re happy to be hanging out, might get a buzz on, and just seeing where life takes you.  Cheers.

A bud light/coors light/or other beer consumed mainly by college students: you are under 21 or on a very strict budget. There is no other acceptable reason.

Old fashioned

You do not want to be out past 11pm.  You are upset that you have to stand at the bar.  I feel you and I like your style.

Malibu Baybreeze or other fruity cocktail

You’re drinking it out of straw held between two of your fingers, smiling for no reason, and wearing a maxi dress. There’s a 99% chance I do not like you.

Redbull and Vodka

You don’t like booze.  You like being drunk.  I can respect that.

Shots of anything

Please get away from me…unless you have pickle juice #letsgetweird.

Cocktail or liquor/beer no one has heard of (even the bartender) you claim is amazing

You are a douche.

Vodka soda

You’re ‘watching your figure’.  Those taste terrible.  Get a real drink, the calories are worth it.

Flavored vodka soda.

You’re a woman ‘watching your figure’.

*Note: If I am drinking one of these (especially cherry vodka) it means I have blacked out and I need to go home.

Gin and Tonic

Those taste like Christmas and I don’t understand you.

Wine

A solid choice.  If it’s white – you will be very drunk soon.  If it’s red – you will be asleep in the corner soon.

Whiskey

We can be friends.

Not booze

You’re pregnant, driving, sober, or so hungover that not even hair of the dog can save you.  Otherwise…I have my eye on you.

Bro Chick Problems

Whenever I tell people about this site, the first question they typically ask is “What does ‘bro chick’ mean?” I included the section found in the header of this blog for just that reason, but I wanted to elaborate on it further.  Urban dictionary defines  a bro chick as “a girl who will sit back, drink beer, play video games and football with you, and still spend 5 f**king hours doing her makeup.”  Well said Urban dictionary, well said.  The nickname was given to me because I say and do things like the following:

“I really want to watch the football game at 1pm, but all the good produce at the farmer’s market will be gone by 2pm.  Ahhhh.”

“I want to look pretty but I don’t understand how hair curlers or eyelash curlers work.”  Pretty much any beauty tool seems more like a weapon than a make-me-pretty device in my opinion.

I cannot walk in heels.  I look constipated.

I don’t watch sports to look “cute”.  I have genuine interest in this game and have a lot riding on it for my fantasy team.

Other women think dude friends want something “more” than friendship from women.  Not the case as with my friends I am seen as a non-sexual object, like a little sister.  Or a lamp.

On that note, once you become a non-sexual object all the vulgar stories and gross behavior men do without the presence of a female comes forth.  For you are now another bro and things like pooping and girl’s nipple sizes become frequent topics of discussion.

In college I was frequently handed Mike’s Hard Lemonades or Smirnoff Ices instead of beers.  Now I frequently have to pipe up when the bartender looks around and says “Who ordered the whiskey?”  I did, no Cosmopolitans here.  No sir.

“No that’s his salad.  I ordered the bacon mac and cheese.”

Interrupting thoughts such as “I can’t believe Eli threw four interceptions last night.  So awf…oh man I need a manicure.  My nails look like a farmers…I wonder how many calories are in this smoothie.  Who has a bye week next week?

A bro chick is a unique hybrid between a guy and a girl; she will manage your fantasy football league and then buy a wildly over-priced pair of rain boots because they’re “in” and “functional”.  She will wear a cocktail dress and drink beer until the dress gets too tight which is when she will promptly switch to whiskey.  She is your drinking buddy, your wing-woman, and your bro with boobs.  Do not be put off by her lack of interest in hairstyles and fashion for she will make up for that with her sweet baking skills.  She is sarcastic, she is unique, and she is writing this post.